because
by MyDearestBrena
Summary: suicde - because not all dreams can come true


I sorta always knew, somewhere in the back of my mind it would come to this. I mean, what can you expect from a guy whos first memory is of his dad beatin the shit out of him while his mom and sister cried in the backround. God even then shizuka was such an angel, she didn't even make a sound, just let the tears fall silently down her pale cheeks. Maybe that's why he chose her. She was always so strong. But that's not the point. The point is, god what is the point, I cant even focus enough to remember what exactly I was trying to say. But that's how it feels growing up with attention defecit disorder. Like life is moving by you in a series of snapshots each one so colorful and full of life, but they go by to fast for you too focus, and you cant catch up. But sheesh my mind is wandering again. Fuck this letter isn't gonna make any sense to you I mean now that im reading it again I can barely even follow it. And now the teardrops are blurring it so bad you couldn't understand it even if you wanted to.

Remember when we were at the hospital. God I loved you then, still do. I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw you that first day at group counceling. I ignored all those stupid questions "why are you so sad" "what drove you to try and kill yourself" "Do you want help, cause its here" as if any of those fucking shrinks knew what it was like. Neither of us said a word all through counceling. We were paired together in a room and I remember the shock so clear on your face when you saw me. After that no emotion, not that I expected any. You never asked why I tried to kill myself, and I didn't ask you either. It wasn't important. Remember how surprised I was when the doctor told me all that shit I had wrong with me? Severe ADD, minor OCD, hyperactivity, manic depression, clinical depression. 5 pills each morning. Each morning you would ask what they were each for and I would tell you, even though you already knew.

You know when I decided what I was gonna do? Last night. I was sitting on the bench in the park. You know the one you found me after that fucking day in skool. What can I say, I mean you didn't really expect my dad to pay for all that medicine I needed did ya? That's expensive shit and though its nothing to you im sure, it's a heavy price for an out of work alcaholic. But back to that day in skool, I never got to thank you for that. I mean, if you hadn't stopped me I probably would have scratched off my arms or something. It doesn't make sense to normal people but I had to scratch my arms evenly, it had to be even or I wouldn't have been able to keep functioning, I would have broken down and cried right there. Ahhh back to what I was talking about sitting on the bench! I thought really hard about so many things. One of them being that I have become, as you so elegantly put it the other day, "skinny as shit". I remember when I used to worry about you not eating enough, and being to skinny. I could proably lift my shirt up and count every rib, every little bone. And the concerta that you payed for, for my ADD, doesn't help. I may be able to focus but it speeds up my metabolism even more. I mean I don't eat and I don't sleep, Im gonna lose weight, it doesn't take a fucking genius to figure that out. I used to try ya know, cause yugi and the others were worried. I would nibble something at breakfast. But then id be at skool and shizuka and you would come over and say hello. You would have your arm around her waist and I could see the happiness in here eyes as she smiled at me. And you smiled at her. You never smiled for me. So you would walk shizuka to her first period while I went to the bathroom and threw up.

I should have relized it. I guess I sort of knew the first time I introduced you to shizuka, the way she smiled so shyly. The way you smiled back. I mean after all, who would choose a dog over an angel. Why would you choose the to skinny, too depressed, to abused, to broken, pathetic stupid pretty boy goth who stole exacto knifes from the artroom so he could cut himself between periods. Yeah I kno you saw me doing that you bastard! You could have atleast told me you were standing there instead of never saying anything. I always did love art class. I loved to paint, I had a gift for it you said. What you said always mattered. Every single word. I destroyed everything ive ever painted.

Going back to the park bench though. What I relized is that my little sisters happiness always has and always will come before mine. I don't care if it kills me. You and shizuka will always matter more to me than my own happiness, my own life. And if you are happy together then I almost have everything ive ever wanted. Almost.

My worst memory was the day my mom left me. I asked her why and she told me it was because she didn't need a miniature of my father destroying her and shizukas lives. She told me I would never be anything, and it hurt because I knew it was true even then, even though I was too small to relize it.

And now im in the nurses office again but im happy because this will be the last time.she goes outside to talk with my homeroom teacher about me, theyre gonna call me dad. But it doesn't matter cause I will never see him again anyway. She closes the door behind her, I lock it, she doesn't notice. Going over to the medicine cabinet I open it and pour all the bottles of pills into the sink. I take the first one, its purple. Swallow water. Wait a few seconds, take another, repeat until desired effect is achieved. Theyre still talking, I wonder how long till they notice. Im so happy. I will never have to look at myself again. Never have to see my lacerated scarred arms. Never have to see my too pale skin covered in bruises and cuts. Never have to look at my mess of golden hair or big brown "puppy dog eyes" as you called them. I never have to wake up screaming from nightmares or pass out in exhaustion ever again. They notice the doors locked. I can see the nurses panicked face in the window now, shes yelling at me, KATSUYA JOUNOUCHI OPEN THIS DOOR IMMEDIATELY. I swallow another pill. Shes screaming for the principal now and I can see the crowd beginning to form outside the door. I see your face, you look horrified. What were you doing in the hall ways? Probably looking for me, Shizuka probably missed me in class and was worried. I turn away. Everythings black now but I can hear your voice above the din going on outside the door anyway. Your screaming everything I always wanted to hear you say, but you don't mean those things. You lover her

You once told me you fell in love with Shizuka because she reminded you so much of me, even if I was the prettier sibling. That was the nicest thing anyone had ever said to me. Goodbye Koi

-your make inu


End file.
